Oh Frag, Not Again!
by xXWintersDescent
Summary: Revan finds herself sucked into yet another galaxy-saving adventure when she awakens on Peragus and everyone thinks she's the Jedi Exile. Atton with ADD, Kreia-bashing, Trask's Force ghost, dancing Sith, prissy Sion, in one INSANE 4-part Kotor 2 parody.
1. Just Roll With It

The world was swimming in a myriad of blues and greys. Everything was so weightless and dreamy, it was like floating on a wave of happiness. The soothing sound of bubbling liquids echoed from far away.

_Man, _Xana thought dazedly. _I didn't think the _Harbinger's _guest quarters could get this nice. Oh wait...what am I here for again? _

After some muddled contemplation, she finally remembered. _Right, right – I gotta have that holo-conference with Carth today. Som'n about fighting more Sith. Gah, why doesn't this fragging war just end so I can sleep? Sleep sounds so nice right now._

Xana instinctively reached out to turn on her music player, but recoiled when her fingers met solid glass. _What the frag is this?_

Her hand shot out, roving over her surroundings. There was glass everywhere, and her movements were slowed by some sort of viscous fluid.

_Well, this can only mean three things. Either I hit my head while doing a Force jump and I'm in medbay, I've been captured by Sith and am now being used as a wall decoration, or I've had one too many jumas and decided to go swimming in Carth's aquarium. _

_Please let it be the last one._

Xana's lungs began to ache. She suddenly realized – when was the last time she'd breathed? Her muscles convulsed randomly and she felt herself sinking.

_Okay, this is definitely not fun anymore. Epic escape time. _

She concentrated and held up her hands, gathering the energy for a massive Force push. In only a few seconds, the palms of her hands began to glow faintly. She made a slight pushing motion.

The tank exploded, sending glass shards and globs of kolto flying everywhere. Xana wiped the goop away from her eyes and hair and stepped out into the room.

"Aww s-s-shizznit." she muttered, wrapping her arms around herself and shivering. The room was drafty, making Xana even more aware of the fact that she was clad only in her black tank top, knee shorts, and Converse. She looked down at the worn sneakers in disdain. "Really. They can leave me my shoes, but a fragging pair of skinny jeans is out of the question? Ugh, where's the med staff on this can?"

Xana looked around at the others floating in kolto tanks around her. They seemed to be healed well enough; sleeping, even. Maybe she could wake one up and ask them for information.

"Scuse me!" she called, knocking on the glass of the nearest tank. The person inside didn't wake up or even twitch to indicate he had heard her. Xana pounded harder on the glass, to no avail. "Hey, WAKE UP! C'mon, I gotta know where the med staff is! This doesn't look like the medbay Carth showed me on the tour of the ship!" The figure's face remained blank.

"Ah...you know, Admiral Onasi? Tall guy, five o clock shadow, really old friend of mine and Star Forge hero?" The guy in the tank still didn't respond, so Xana resorted to making faces and pressing her cheek up against the glass as she waited for someone to show up. She repeated the process with each of the other four patients, quietly giggling all the while.

Finally, she grew bored again and decided that the patients in the kolto tanks ultimately weren't going to help her. "Aw, you guys are no fun." she announced, sticking her tongue out at them one last time.

Xana stomped out of the medbay and into the control center. Her hand froze on the door control when she met an empty room. She looked to the side. The only other exit was sealed shut and smoking.

Yep, this was definitely not good.

She went up to the computer terminal and began to tap away. Her eyes widened in alarm when she brought up the medical records. Apparently, not only did she mysteriously arrive at this creepy mining colony, but someone had administered a dose of sedatives to the kolto tanks. And...she was the only survivor. Xana facepalmed, muttering, "Oops."

She stuck her head into the corridor and called toward the kolto tanks, "Sorry, guys!" _Oh wait, it's not like they can hear me anyway._ Xana resumed her position at the terminal, rubbing her forehead anxiously. Either she was going mental - well, more mental - or the sedative hadn't completely worn off yet. Maybe a bit of both.

The only options now were to unlock the storage room and morgue doors. Xana lazily selected the latter, if only for the sake of mixing things up.

She entered the small room as the door hissed open, looking around apathetically. No survival tools here. _Might as well go and try the storage room. Maybe if I mix all the chemicals together it'll eat away at the door, or I could just shoot Force lightning...hello, what's this?_

A glint caught Xana's eye from underneath one of the sheet-draped forms. She carefully extracted the plasma torch from the miner's grip, holding it at arm's length with the tips of her fingers. In her peripheral vision, she just barely caught an old woman rising from the bed in the corner.

"Find what you are looking for..." The woman was cut off by Xana's shrill cry.

"HOLY FRAG, IT'S A ZOMBIE!"

"I am not an..._ow!_" Xana wasted no time in pouncing forward and smacking the offending figure's head with the butt of her plasma torch.

"Okay look, if this is revenge for your buddies in the kolto tank, I swear I didn't know-" Xana rambled, punctuating every few words with another swing of the torch.

"What are you prattling on about, child?" the woman snapped, finally swatting away Xana's hand.

"Oh wait. So you're not a zombie?"

"I think we've established that I'm quite alive."

"Whoopsie. You could've fooled me, what with your creepy, blank eyes, grody skin, and deep, mannish voice, but whatever." Xana shrugged. "Respect for the dead was never my forte."

"Apparently. It seems your respect for the living leaves much to be desired as well."

"Meh. Not gonna deny it. So who are you anyway?"

"Right," the woman grumbled, "Since you've already ruined my mysterious, dramatic entrance, I suppose I should attempt to salvage the rest of the situation." She cleared her throat and announced in a deep, gravelly hiss, "I. Am. Kreiaaaaaa."

Xana's eyes nervously darted from side to side as Kreia continued to hold out the last letter. She shuffled around from foot to foot, even whistled a bit. Still, Kreia kept on.

This was getting creepy, not to mention highly unnecessary. When the old woman had to suck in another breath to continue the syllable, Xana held up her hand and interrupted.

"Okay, seriously. Is this even necessary-"

"IAMKREIA!"

"No, really-"

"KREIA..."

"Muffins-"

"Kreiaaaaaaaa..."

Xana waited for the syllable to die down this time. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, she opened her mouth to speak again.

Kreia whispered, "Iamkreiaaaaaaaaaa..."

"Oh, frag this!" Xana snapped. She stormed back into the medical area control room and grabbed a ration bar from one of the supply containers. Turning back around, she chucked it into the morgue and called, "Alright, now you won't die of starvation, so I'm assuming you're set for the next eight hours. I'm gonna go look for my ship, clothes, and weapons. You just stay there and...do whatever it is that you do."

Kreia just sat cross-legged on the floor and closed her eyes. Xana backed towards the door, slowly, and jammed the plasma torch into the controls. All things considered, it was rather stupid to open an unknown door with your back to it. But then again, she would rather face whatever terror was on the other side than have her back turned to the old woman.

Xana turned and was greeted by several limp forms on the floor. A vibroblade lay discarded on the floor right next to one. Xana picked it up and twirled it, switching the plasma torch to her left hand. The figures were marred by plasma burns, which meant that mercs or droids - definitely hostiles - were on the loose. "Bring it." Xana sneered to no one in particular.

She palmed the next door open and was greeted by a volley of poorly-aimed blaster fire. Xana stood there a few minutes, amusedly observing the droids' capacity to miss a still target at point blank range. Eventually, her short attention span won over and she sprang.

Xana jabbed her vibroblade straight into the core of the nearest one, then threw the plasma torch like a dagger. It pierced right through the second droid, causing it to explode. Xana withdrew both weapons with the Force, smirking, "Oh yeah, I still got it."

The next room contained a security desk and a bunch of lockers. Tentatively stepping over what was once the security officer, Xana rummaged through the lockers until she found what she was looking for: a terrantatek tooth on a leather chain, black fingerless gloves, an armored upper-jumpsuit half, and a pair of black skinny jeans with armor panels.

Xana nearly had the getup on when a blue figure shimmered into sight.

Just like old times, eh?"

Xana looked up from fastening her glove. "Trask? What the frag are _you_ doing here?"

Trask's Force ghost shot Xana an irritating grin. "Why, I'm here to usher you through the first stages of your new epic galaxy-saving adventure! Just like last time, except I'm all sparkly-glowy now!" he shouted, waving his arms in the air excitedly.

Xana facepalmed. "Thanks, but no thanks. Wait – how are you even here? I thought only Jedi could to do that!"

Ah, but you see...I was a Jedi. A secret Jedi, sent by the Council to make sure you didn't fall back to the dark side. Of course, that involved protecting you with my life, guiding you off the Endar Spire, following you with a stealth generator, staring at you while you slept, watching you from the air vents, going through your belongings..."

_"WHAT?_!"

"Uh – nothing. So if we can get to the escaping..."

"Hold up there, Captain Creeper! There is no 'we' here. I am perfectly capable of escaping on my own, so if you could just disappear to the stalker's wonderland from whence you came, that would be great."

The Trask-apparition looked unconvinced. "I dunno..."

"Look, I'm fine!" Xana tersely gritted out. "It's just like a _video game_. Some massive mystery, fighting harmless droids, reclaiming my ship. It's practically flowers and mushrooms and happy gizkas..." She turned and looked down the set of deserted hallways. "And bodies..."

Ghost-Trask shrugged happily. "All right, if you say so! Back to unicorn-land!" He slowly vanished into thin air, all the while cheering, "Wheeeeeeeeee!"

Xana stood rooted to the spot, eye twitching ever so slightly. "That...was by far, one of the freakiest things I've ever seen." She looked back down the hallway she'd come from. Lo and behold, the top half of Kreia's face was protruding from the doorjamb all the way at the end. Watching her.

Xana broke into a mad sprint.

* * *

"They really don't make homicidal droids like they used to." Xana mourned, looking back at the control room full of deactivated mining droids. They were like really crappy versions of her own T3-M4 and HK-47. Had her precious droids even survived the _Harbinger_?

Xana shook her head and focused on the door in front of her. The force field had been deactivated – what kind of danger lay behind here that would necessitate a force field?

Her vision suddenly blacked out and was replaced with an image of Kreia. She was standing over the man she'd gotten the plasma torch from and holding the ration bar with both hands. She appeared to be nibbling at it while staring intently at the man's face.

Xana could just barely hear the woman rapidly muttering, "om nom nom nom nom nom nom."

She yelped, "Kreia?"

Kreia stopped nibbling and looked at the ceiling, her head jerking around like a confused animal. "You have the wrong number!"

"Kreia!" Xana screamed again.

"What? Who's this?"

"It's me, Xana. I think I'm having some freaky Force-vision of you."

"Oh, hi." Kreia replied, still looking around at the ceiling. "Where are you?"

"In the control room. I'm standing in front of a door."

"Right, right." Kreia cleared her throat and announced grandiosely, "Behind this door lies someone. He means you no harm, but his thoughts are difficult to stalk...I mean read...uh...you have been warned!" She then proceeded to wave her arms in the air while making ominous "ooooooo" noises.

Xana cut in, "Are you quite finished?"

Kreia stopped and looked directly up again. "Yeah, pretty much."

Xana's vision returned to normal. She looked exasperatedly at the door, sighing as she palmed it open.

_"Please_ don't be another stalker..."

* * *

**A/N: And there you have it! This story takes place after my other fic, Who I Am or Who I've Been. It will be a series of three short chapters that take place on Peragus.****  
**

**Shout-out goes to writtenrhythm for beta reading this chapter! **


	2. Edumacationally Challenged

**Title: Edumacationally Challenged.**

**Genre: Humor/Parody. Kotor 2.**

**A/N: Alrighty then, up next on the 'bash list' are Kreia, HK-47, Justin Bieber, and of course, Atton. Huge thanks to writtenrhythm for beta reading this story!  
**

* * *

"_Nice_ outfit. What, did the miners change regulation uniforms or something?"

Xana froze and tilted her head towards the ceiling. "Augh, _really?_ Why me? _WHY_!" she bellowed.

Atton stared at her quizzically, "Uh..."

Xana all but stomped in, "Do you at least know what's going on here?"

"Actually, I do."

Xana perked up, "Really?"

"Oh, yeah. You see," Atton leaned in conspiratorially, careful to avoid the wall of his force cage. "A band of rogue Jawas bent on galaxy-wide domination infiltrated the mining facility by crawling through the sewage pipes. But they were only armed with squirt guns and rubber gizkas, so then-"

"Shut up."

"Hey, you walked right into that one, honey. My guess is about as good as yours. They stopped coming to check up on me shortly after they stopped feeding me. Now that's cruel. Although," Atton swiveled around as best he could in the cramped space, "The new diet has been working wonders for my glutes."

Xana's eye twitched. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that. So who are you anyway?"

Atton smoothed back his hair and finger-gunned Xana. "Name's Atton Rand. 'Scuse me if I don't shake hands. This field only causes mild electrical burns."

Xana rolled her eyes. "Xana Dakari. 'Scuse me if I don't swoon, but you're annoying and imprisoned in a force cage."

"Hey, no need to be mean."

"You walked right into that one, honey," Xana mocked. "Now, since the official 'Heroes-With-Dubious-Light-Side-Alignments Handbook' states that I am not permitted to leave innocent civvies to their doom, I suggest you get to telling me why you're locked up in there."

"Why?"

"So I can determine whether to consider you a damsel in distress or a dangerous criminal, duh."

"Part of me wonders which would be worse," Atton mused. "Either way, the particulars are none of your business. Let's just say they threw me in here for violating some trumped-up regulation or other."

"No, seriously."

Atton shrugged, grinning smugly. "You can interrogate me all you want, but you're gonna have to let me out eventually. I'm the only one who can get access to the administration computer."

Xana smirked. "Wanna bet?"

"You're on."

Xana strode out the door and towards the administration console.

Atton leaned back lazily, counting aloud. "5...4...3...2...1..."

Xana came running back in, right on cue. "I'm in."

"_WHAT?_"

"Yeah. Must've slipped my mind that I was an expert slicer. Whoopsie."

"All right, all right. You've had your fun. Now let me out."

"No! Not until you tell me what you're in for. For all I know, you could be a psychopath, or a smuggler, or a highly trained assassin..." Xana paused to think for a moment, "Come to think of it, I'm all three of those things so I don't really have much to worry about. But regardless - I want your rap sheet, _now_."

Atton seemed a lot more nervous now that he'd heard Xana's revelation. Still, he persisted, "Don't think so."

"Alright then," Xana shrugged, "Guess I'll have to resort to drastic measures." She sat cross-legged on the floor and began to sing, "It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all. It's a small world AFTER ALL..."

"GAH! Fine, I'll tell you! Just make it stop!"

Xana stood up and began to tap her foot, "I'm waiting."

"Uh...well, it wasn't one big thing so much as it was a bunch of _little_ things..."

"Such as?"

"Oh, you know. Streaking through the dorms, setting off firecrackers in the mining tunnels, slapping the management in the face with my gloves, sabotaging the fire suppressant systems in order to make ice pops, placing sonic mines in the refreshers, starting a massive food fight in the cafeteria then writing 'Coorta did it' on the wall in various condiments..."

"Are you quite finished yet?" Xana groaned.

"Nope!" Atton declared cheerfully. "What really did me in was when I programmed all the droids to wave their arms around and let out a high-pitched 'squee' whenever one of them received an order."

Xana could feel her hair turning grey. "Stupid handbook," she muttered, using the Force to slam down the release button for Atton's cage.

"Freedom!" Atton cheered, skipping toward the door. Xana facepalmed.

They ran over to the administration console and Atton began tapping away at the screens. "All righty then, now all we have to do is reroute the transmission signal, bounce it back to us, and...hey!"

"Already tried that, sunshine." Xana intoned condescendingly. "This port's been severed from the main hub, so there's no way of getting a signal in or out. However, I did manage to reach my droid, who survived whatever landed me here and is somehow now in the hangar bay. He should be unlocking the entrance into the mining tunnels any second now."

Atton looked at Xana in disbelief. "No way. There's probably nothing down there but droids and superheated rock! It would be suicide!"

"Well, according to T3, the only way to shut down the containment field around the hangar bay is by going through the fuel line and past the dormitory level. But you needn't worry your pretty little head about that, cause I'm gonna be the one risking my neck here."

"Again, why?" Atton asked, handing her a comlink anyway.

"Handbook." Xana replied, removing a tiny datapad from her pocket and waving it in the air. "And because you, sir, are an idiot."

With that, she put the comlink in her ear, drew her vibroblade, and took off down the hall.

Atton shrugged and plopped down in the nearest seat. "Meh. Not gonna deny it."

* * *

Xana held up the ugly brown-and-blue miner's uniform. "Oh, _heeeeellllll_ no." she drawled, tossing the garment aside. She advanced into a circular room with a broken-down reactor.

"_I feel pretty, oh so pretty..."_ came the off-tune melody over the comlink. Xana cringed. She'd been able to ignore the first and second repetitions of the song, but really?

"ATTON! YOUR COMLINK IS _ON!_" she screamed.

The singing ceased. "Oh, sorry," he muttered. "By the way, I'd be quieter if I were you. You're sharing that mining tunnel with a batallion of droids."

Xana looked to the side, where the entrance to the tunnel lay. Hundreds of metal eyes were staring at her. "Oh, frag it." she grumbled. Xana charged forward, easily cutting a swath through the offending droids. They were weak enough that she didn't take any significant damage, despite being heavily outnumbered.

However, after being zapped in the arse for the tenth time, she decided enough was enough. She hopped up on top of a barely functional reactor. With a flick of her hand, the room lit up with a torrent of Force lightning and the ten nearest droids fell. The same number of droids waddled forward to replace the first group, and they too were fried. Then another group blindly came forth, then another. Soon, Xana had run out of droids to zap,

"You know," Xana wondered aloud, "the fact that these things were able to completely overrun the place really leaves me questioning the intelligence level at this facility."

In moments, Xana's vision blackened and was replaced by a full-frontal closeup of Kreia's face.

"GAH!" Xana screamed, clutching her chest. "Okay, gave me a heart attack there. Mind backing up from the camera and getting some contact lenses, Stalky?"

Kreia narrowed her eyes, but backed up nonetheless. "I apologize for the inconvenience, sarcastic one, but I want bacon."

Xana sighed wearily. "Kreia, you're in the medical wing. There is no fragging _bacon_-"

"Found some!" Kreia shouted happily, diving headlong into the plasteel container. When she came up, she was gnawing on some strange brown strips.

"Kreia! Don't put random objects in your mouth!" Xana cried frantically. "Especially if they're brown...that's just asking for trouble right there."

"Buh ih tashtes likk bacon!" Kreia protested, now having shoved almost ten of the strips into her mouth.

Xana finally caught sight of the wrapper at the bottom of the container. "Kreia," she said carefully, "Those are Wampa treats."

Kreia's eyes widened and she spat the treats into her palm. The old woman shrugged, shoving them into her robe pocket. "Meh. I'll save these for the minions."

"What?"

"I meant to say...that those certainly were foul. I do believe that I need something to wash my mouth out with." Kreia hurriedly corrected herself. She grabbed the nearest bottle, which contained a bubbling blue liquid, and guzzled from it.

"Refresher bowl cleaner," Xana sighed.

Kreia spat again, though she inspected the bottle curiously. "It wasn't that bad, really."

"Were you ever dropped on your head as a baby?"

"Pfft. You think you are so perceptive and intelligent!" Kreia exploded indignantly. "What, I suppose next you are going to tell me that this isn't a hairbrush?" She picked up a circular brush and began to comb it through her hair.

Xana groaned, "_Please_ tell me you didn't find that next to the refresher bowl cleaner."

"Uh..."

"Oh my gosh." Xana muttered. "Was there even any point to this Force vision, or do you simply want me to sit back and watch you fail at life?"

Kreia's eyes brightened. "Ah, now I have remembered." She brandished the brush in the air and announced, "I have sensed that the Force has been reawakened in you." She then waved her arms around and began to make 'ooooooo' noises again.

Xana's jaw dropped. She ranted, "Are you freaking senile? I was never cut off from the Force! I've been using it this whole time and you choose to bother me just _now_?"

Kreia's arms dropped. "Oh." she muttered blankly. "Spare me some patience, child. These old Force skills are not as finely honed as they used to be. Now, leave me to my wampa treats and refresher bowl cleaner." The vision faded slowly.

Xana shook her head, trying to clear it.. She opened her eyes to see the empty mining tunnel once again.

"_Aw come on, what did I do now?"_ Atton shouted over the comlink.

"What are you talking about?"

"_You tell me! You're the one going ballistic the moment I tried to contact you! And I am not senile, thank you very much. I prefer to think of it as...edumacationally challenged."_

Xana snapped, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the creepy old woman in my head!"

Awkward silence reigned for a moment before Atton ventured, _"Uh...yay?"_

"Never mind, I'll just go shut down the containment fields."

"_Yeah, you do that."_ The comm channel went silent. Xana facepalmed.

She activated her stealth belt. Weaving in between droids, she crept down a metal catwalk and logged into the control console. Typing quickly, she accessed the containment chamber controls and entered in a classic hack-all slicing code.

{FAILURE: INSUFFICIENT SPIKES}

"What the-?" She entered in the code again, making sure to type more carefully.

{FAILURE: INSUFFICIENT SPIKES}

"Grrrrr..." She typed in a highly effective code, one that almost always broke even the most stubborn of systems.

{CONDESCENDING ERROR: WHAT PART OF 'FAILURE: INSUFFICIENT SPIKES' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?}

"Oh, come on!" Xana muttered angrily, kicking the console. The screen blanked out then whirred to life a moment later. Xana held her breath, hoping beyond hope...

{FAILURE: EDUMACATIONALLY CHALLENGED USER.}

"Frag it!" Xana screamed.

Every droid in the room swiveled its' head around in confusion, trying to determine where the noise came from. Xana clamped her hands over her mouth, frozen with terror at the thought of having her arse zapped again. When the droids went back to patrolling, she activated her comlink and whispered, "Atton? Atton, are you there?"

"_Why yes, Mr. Mining Droid, of course you can have more tea...oh..._" his voice took on a much deeper and more macho tone, "_Um...yes, of course. What do you need, Xana?_"

"I can't shut down the containment fields because I don't have enough spikes and my regular slicing codes won't work."

"_Isn't there some kind of super-powerful code entry you can use? You know, some last-resort trick you've got up your sleeve?"_

Xana pondered a moment. "You know, there is. An absolute last resort, guaranteed to crack absolutely anything. But..." she paused dramatically and stared wide-eyed at the ceiling, "It may end life for us as we know it."

"_Xana, you've got to do it. If you don't, we'll be trapped in here and eventually die anyway."_

"I know, I know." Xana heaved a long, mournful sigh. "Atton, if we don't make it out of this...I just want you to know that...that...I love you."

_Atton's voice brightened on the other end and he shouted happily, "REALLY?"_

"No, not really. I still think you're an idiot. Bye." Xana hung up on him.

"Okay, here goes nothing..."

Xana braced herself and began to type.

{_input code: uber_destructive_self_destruct_sequence_of_ultimate_destruction_1337_CHUCK_NORRIS}_

She dove for the floor, scrambling to cover her ears and get into a fetal position. "Oh frag, what have I done?" she moaned.

All the remaining droids in the mining tunnels immediately stopped in their tracks. Speakers began to protrude from their chassis.

Suddenly, the air was filled with obnoxious pop music. A piercing pre-pubescent voice then rang through the room. "Baby, baby, baby, oh! Baby, baby, baby, OHHHHHH!"

The containment fields immediately flickered and shorted out from the sheer atrocity. The reactors followed suit; metal groaning in protest before they all randomly burst into flames. All of the droids began to leak fuel from their servos. The core of each and every one exploded, finally sending the room into silence.

Xana placed one shaky hand on the railing, then another. Slowly, she hauled herself back to her feet.

"Never...again..." she panted.

Her comlink sprang to life. _"Xana, what did you do? The droid I was having a tea party with...uh...and by tea party I mean manly fight to the death...started spewing this awful noise, then exploded."_

"That was the 'last resort' in action right there. Now, on to the next order of business..."

"_Which would be?_"

Xana sniffed and a tear rolled down her cheek. "Let us take a moment in silence to mourn the latest victims of Bieber fever." She took a moment to collect herself, then continued on, "Though they were mechanical, and essentially bent on eliminating us, it was indeed a horrible way to go. So let us then remember their valiant sacrifices-"

"_Xana, the mining tunnels are gonna be molten slag in thirty seconds."_

"Frag this, I'm outta here."

* * *

One epic escape, ten fried droids, and two plasma bolts to the arse later, Xana stood in the mechanical bay of the facility. She was looking around the nondescript hallways, rocking back and forth on the heels of her feet. "What to do, what to do."

Suddenly, a familiar metal chassis caught her eye. A gigantic grin spread across her face. Could it be?

"HK!" she cried gleefully. She ran into the workshop and glomped onto the unsuspecting droid. "Love the new paint job, by the way!"

The droid's photoreceptors turned to her. "Creeped-out Reply: How very nice to see you again, Master! Although I did not expect such a reunion so...replete in organic customs." He grabbed a nearby crowbar and began to attempt to pry Xana off of him.

"'Organic'? Since when do you use the term 'organic'? Have you gone and glitched up the sarcasm programming I gave you? I told you not to download strange mods from the HoloNet!" Xana nagged.

"Awkward Cover-up: Ah yes, the programming you gave me. It is quite glitched indeed."

"You _are_ HK-47 right? The droid I built with my own two hands and occasionally enjoy using as a marshmallow roaster?"

"Blatant lie: Of course I am! And not a streamlined assassin droid masquerading as a protocol droid in order to capture you for the Exchange while simultaneously razing through this entire complex. Heh, heh."

"Who are you and what have you done with HK-47!" Xana shrieked.

"Condescending/Innocent Answer: Why, I was a protocol droid aboard the _Harbinger, _of course. I somehow was transferred onto your ship, and was being held for repairs in this mechanical bay. As a result, I do not know what happened to your obsolete HK unit."

The droid was momentarily cut off by a muffled banging inside a nearby supply closet. "Desperate Plea: Oh, Master, is that you? Please, help me! He is keeping me captive and coercing me to watch holo-recordings of the last Galactic Peace Conference! I beg of you, let me out!"

The silver HK unit announced loudly: "Obvious Distraction: Also, have I mentioned that I am not an assassin droid? And that I have information as to the airlock you seek?"

"Really?" Xana drawled doubtfully.

"Affirmative answer: Oh, yes. The maintenance officer sealed it with a voice lock, but, unfortunately, he has expired. Of course, this was not my doing, seeing as I am clearly not an assassin droid."

Xana looked down at the comatose form on the floor. There wasn't a scratch on him, or any other indication that he had sustained bodily harm. "Are you sure? He doesn't look like the droids got him."

"Affirmative answer: Do not be fooled, Master. I have a sound recording of the event. Would you like to hear it?"

Xana shook her head quickly, "No, I really wouldn't..."

"Gleeful exclamation: Too late!"

"Initiating playback: _The droids are drilling through the door...somebody help, please...oh no, they've gotten through!_"

The sound of metal clanking on metal played for awhile. Then came a strange sliding noise that sounded like a viewscreen sliding out._ "What's going on? They've surrounded me but all I can see are screens!"_

More obnoxious pop music began to play. "_You get the best of both galaxies! Smile and do a hair flip, then you rock out the ship!_"

"_NOOOOOOOO!_"

Xana's face was etched with pure horror. She fell to her knees in shock. "That poor, poor man," she sobbed.

"Wait a second." Xana peeked up at the droid. "You said you can play back voice recordings. So why can't you play back the code for the console?"

"Insulted Answer: Why, Master! That would violate the ethical code that we not-assassin droids are rumored to possess!"

Xana glared at the HK unit. "Come with me." She dragged him out of the room and towards the airlock console.

Minutes later, the muffled banging resumed. "Query: Master? Master?"

A narrator's voice could be heard from inside the cabinet. "Fearful Exclamation: Oh no! Not a clip of baby Ewoks! Anything but that! NOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Xana went up the the console and typed in her 'emergency' code again.

"Do you recognize this code?" she asked the droid.

"Shocked Exclamation: You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh. I would. And it works on _all_ droids."

"[Nervous gulp]"

"Play. It. Back." Xana commanded.

"Reluctant Replay: Entry Code – Dufflemuffins."

"Wow. I can see why you'd be reluctant to play that back."

"Weary Admittance: You have no idea what I put up with."

* * *

Xana opened the airlock and prepared to make the first step.

In mere moments, she found herself almost falling over the other edge of the walkway. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" she screamed, flailing around to keep her balance. Tentatively, she turned and tried to make another step. Instead, she took ten rapid ones.

"What the-?" Xana looked at the arm of her space suit. On it was a screen that read:

{_AUTOMATIC CAFFEINE DISPENSAL FUNCTION: ACTIVATED.}_

Xana tilted her head to the sky. "_WHY ME_?" she bellowed again. She could already feel herself beginning to bounce on the heels of her feet. There was no time to spare. She and caffeine had never mixed well. Xana broke off into a hyperactive, zero gravity run.

She'd only made it halfway before the caffeine took over. She activated her built in comlink and screamed, "HEY ATTON! !"

"_What?_"

"Look at me, I'm in _space_! And I like rainbows! And caffa! Wheeheeheeheeheeheehee!" Xana began to twirl around on the metal walkway, tripping and stumbling like a Gammorrean ballerina.

Atton scrambled to the viewport, holding a little pink teacup in his left hand. Xana saw him pick up the comlink and shout, "_What are you doing out there? Sensors indicate that the flow of Peragian gas has been diverted to the outer walkways! You need to get out of there _now_, mainly because I'm in the middle of something and my imaginary friends won't wait forever!"_

Xana spied the pinkish-purple streams of gas. Her gloved hands flew to her space helmet and she began to bounce up and down excitedly. "Yay, a near-death situation!"

Atton looked at her quizzically. "_Are you on spice?_"

Xana tried to wave him off nonchalantly, but it looked more like she was having a mini-seizure in her arm. "Pfft, no! Just oodles and oodles of caffeine!" she declared, punctuating her sentence with another clumsy twirl.

Just as she had steadied herself, however, a massive Republic cruiser passed by the mining facility. It swerved and screeched a few times, flying in a rough serpentine pattern. A loading ramp extended from the facility, but the cruiser overshot it and had to back up. Alas, the cruiser crashed into the ramp on its' return trip, effectively denting it. It was then that Xana and Atton began to pick up a transmission from the bridge.

A scratchy, deep voice with a cultured Coruscanti accent came over the comlinks. "Confound this blasted piece of technology! I say, I have never before endured the indignity of having to align a ship with a loading ramp so small! And with the Force, no less! Hmph, the very nerve!"

Xana and Atton traded sidelong glances with each other as the ship attached to the loading ramp. The voice continued to prattle on, "Ah, there we go. Now to retire and wait for the imbeciles to randomly wander onto my ship. I do believe a bubble bath is in order – fluffy robes, sugar cookies, drinking evil tea and all that."

The voice faded away and awkward silence reigned over the comlink channel.

Atton spoke up, "_So, uh..._"

Xana gasped and raised her hands in surprise. She pointed at the Harbinger and declared, "EH MY GAWSH, IT'S A SHIP!"

Atton facepalmed. "Oh, this is definitely not gonna end well."


	3. Darth Sion's therapist says hi

Oh Frag, Not Again: Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry for the late update and all that shizz. The next chapter's already written so it shouldn't take as long. **

**Thanks to writtenrhythm for beta reading AND reviewing this chapter, and to all the smashtastic readers who dropped me a review. Now, without further ado...COMMENCE THE RANDOMNESS.**

* * *

Flash code. A freaking _flash code_. Even after fighting tooth-and-nail to get to the dormitory console, she still had to enter in an _encoded password_?

"Ah, screw this," Xana snapped. She raised her hand and fried the console with Force lightning.

The turbolift _ding_ed and slid open. "Now that's more like it," Xana commented happily as she stepped inside.

A Sith assassin stood by the lift controls, vibroblade raised in anticipation. Xana just waved at him nonchalantly.

"Hey, Tom. It's me, Revan."

The assassin did a double-take and retracted his vibroblade. Xana had no doubt that he wore a surprised expression behind his mask. "Revan? Hey, long time no see!"

"No kidding. How are the wife and kids?" Xana asked. Quickly, she added, "Oh, admin level please."

Tom pressed the button and replied, "Pretty good. The two boys are excelling in their evil minion training and I've got another on the way."

"Congrats," Xana replied. "Hey, you haven't been sent to stop my escape, have you?"

"Ah, nope. Sion sent me to patrol the uppermost floor for survivors. Lucky me, eh?"

"Yep, lucky you." The two stood in awkward silence for a few moments, rocking back and forth on their feet and listening to the annoying Broadway music playing over the speakers. Suddenly, the turbolift _ding_ed again and the doors slid open.

"Ah well, that's my floor. See ya, Tom – and do try to stay away from the hangar bay for the next couple of hours, kay?"

"Will do, Revan." The assassin gave Xana a casual salute and closed the turbolift doors.

"Well, that was slightly awkward," Xana commented under her breath. She turned around and jumped in fright.

Kreia had stuck her head into the turbolift hall and was staring eerily at Xana again.

"Will you _stop_ that?" Xana screamed.

Kreia stepped into the hall, adjusting her hood smugly, "Sarcastic one, I sense that danger is afoot. We must leave at once, lest our enemies overwhelm us."

Xana pointed backwards, "Yeah, I kinda gathered that from the assassin in the turbolift. Let's go." The two ran down the halls – Xana making sure that Kreia was in front at all times – and into the administration room. They found Atton watching a recorded holodrama on the computer terminal.

"Por que, Rodrigo? POR QUE?" Atton wailed, sniffling and clutching a tissue. Xana walked up behind him and cleared her throat loudly. He jumped up, swiping at his eyes frantically, "Uh...I was totally not just crying and watching holodramas. My eyes were just..._leaking_. In a very manly fashion, of course."

"Of course," Kreia drawled sarcastically.

Atton screamed like a little girl and hopped on top of the console. "ZOMBIE!" he screeched, wadding up his tissue and throwing it at Kreia's head.

Xana rolled her eyes and used the Force to pull Atton off of the console. He smacked face-first into the floor with a dull _thud_.

"She and I have already been over this, Atton. Kreia is not a zombie...just really, really, _really_ creepy."

"I am still here, sarcastic one," Kreia deadpanned.

"Yep, I know. Now let's go infiltrate us a poorly-docked, Sith-packed ship!" Xana cheered, throwing her hands into the air excitedly.

"Why?" Atton groaned.

Xana replied, "Because the dolphins in my head told me to." Her eyes grew wide and she regarded him with an eerie stare. She added in a creepy monotone, "The dolphins are never wrong, Atton."

"Um... really?"

Xana returned to normal and rolled her eyes, "No, _di'kut._ We're storming the ship so we can climb into the hangar bay through the fuel line. Now come on."

"Dramatically-timed Statement: I don't think so." HK-50 stepped from the shadows, brandishing a huge blaster rifle.

"Oh great, it's the HK-47 ripoff come to save the day," Xana snapped.

Kreia whispered, "Quick, sarcastic one, I require a weapon." Xana rummaged through her bag while the droid prattled on about how ingeniously subtle its' plan was. Mining lasers...no. Extra vibroblade...no. Frag grenades...oh, hell no.

"Aha!" Xana proclaimed. She drew out the plasma torch and handed it to Kreia. "Smack it on the head with that."

Kreia scowled and said nothing. Xana, however, turned her attention back to the droid.

"Okay, look. As much as I'd prefer to sic the real HK on you and eat popcorn from the sidelines, I've got an epic escape to get on with. So if you wouldn't mind..."

"Amused Statement: As you wish, organic." Four mines automatically emerged from stealth mode and began to float toward Xana. She simply zapped them with Force lightning, damaging the HK unit in the process.

Kreia took this opportunity to pounce. She ran forward and began hitting the side of HK-50's head with her plasma torch, declaring, "Take that! And that! Bring it, you awful droid – I've got a durasteel hip!" So caught up in her 'battle' was Kreia, that she didn't notice she was hitting HK with the wrong end of the – unlit - plasma torch.

HK-50's photoreceptors flitted to Kreia, and back to Xana.

"Incredulous Question: Really?"

Xana rolled her eyes, "You have no idea. Anywhoo, let's get on with this."

Xana Force-jumped forward, landing a diagonal strike across the droid's chassis. She rolled behind it and ducked under its' arm. Using the Force to amplify her strength, she then grabbed HK-50's blaster rifle and wrenched it out of its' grasp.

"I win."

With that, Xana blasted HK-50's processor at point-blank. The droid's photoreceptors blinked once and it declared, "Self-destruct sequence activated."

"Oh, frag," Xana muttered. She dropped the rifle and ran away, calling behind her, "Keep at it, Kreia! I'm just gonna go get some more ammo for my vibroblade!"

Kreia looked up, "Wait a minute...vibroblades don't need-"

_BLAM!_

The droid exploded, sending Kreia flying back at least five meters.

"That was epic! Do it again!" Atton cheered.

Xana proclaimed quickly, "Poor Kreia. Oh well, her valiant sacrifice will be honored and she will be forever remembered as the creepy old lady who liked to stalk me. May she be with the Force and all that, _come on Atton!_" Xana seized Atton's wrist and sprinted for the docking ramp.

"I am not dead yet, sarcastic one, merely a little stunned. But I thank you for your _concern_." Xana whipped around to see Kreia slowly getting up.

"Oh, yay," she declared halfheartedly, waving her hands in mock enthusiasm. "And here I thought we'd have to go on without someone to do your special job."

Kreia dusted herself off regally, sticking her chin up with a smug air. "I am glad someone has decided to make use of my unique abilities. What is it that you need done?"

"Well, I have a task for you that is vital to our infiltrating the _Harbinger_. You'll walk in the very front and use your _astounding_ sensory skills to warn us of approaching enemies."

"That is my task?"

"Oh yes. It's called 'being a meat-shield.'" Xana replied, adding air quotes.

Kreia scowled at Xana again. She had just opened her mouth to speak, when a metallic scraping echoed from the nearby door.

"Oh, what now?" Xana yelled.

The turbolift door to the maintenance level blasted off its' hinges in an epic explosion. The metal plate barely missed the three humans as it flew across the room, now reduced to a twisted husk. Amidst the flames, smoke, and debris on the other side of the entrance, the silhouette of a robotic chassis slowly strode forth. And, from the looks of the shadow, it carried a _really_ big blaster carbine.

Atton's jaw dropped in horror and Kreia stared on impassively. Xana, on the other hand, was bouncing up and down with a huge, open-mouthed grin plastered on her face.

From the carnage emerged none other than HK-47, who immediately brandished his carbine in a hardcore pose. As if to amplify the sheer awesomeness of the moment, several more mining droids exploded behind him, creating a dramatic if not slightly cliché backdrop.

Xana was on the verge of having a seizure from pure happiness...until her gaze traveled down to the droid's chassis. Her grin faded and was replaced with an expression of pure horror. She spat out, "HK! What are you _wearing?_"

Alas, once the explosions and fanfare had faded, it had become apparent that Xana's precious droid was bedecked in a frilly dress. The garment was an eye-searing shade of hot pink, with puffy sleeves and an obscene amount of white lace trimmings. The thing was doused in glitter and trailed the floor; this forced the otherwise imposing droid to carry the train of the dress in one mechanical hand.

Worse yet, makeup had been garishly applied to HK-47's photoreceptors and vocabulator. It would take hours for Xana to scrub all that lipstick and mascara out!

HK ignored Xana's question and bellowed, "Enraged Demand: _WHERE IS HE?_ That accursed HK-50 model shall _pay_ for this indignity!"

Xana, still shielding her eyes from HK's dress, replied, "Ah, sorry HK. I just offed him a few minutes ago. If I'd known you were here, I would've let you take care of him instead."

She could've sworn she saw HK's photoreceptor twitch. The droid wisely chose not to launch into a tirade. Incompetent or not, this _was_ Revan after all.

"HK, do you think you could...oh, I don't know, _torch_ that thing before I go blind?"

"Irritated Statement: Master, don't you think I have _tried_ by now? The fabric has proved to be quite resistant to pressure, sonic blasts, cryoban freezing, and even fire. Unfortunately, I am also unable to remove it, as HK units lack the necessary flexibility to maneuver out of such an abomination."

"Then how did you get into that thing in the first place?"

"Confused Answer: I do not know, Master. After I was deactivated, I have no recollection of events up until I was reactivated in that infernal storage closet."

Xana patted the droid's shoulder joint reassuringly, "It's okay, HK. I'll get you out of that thing as soon as we get my lightsabers back." She smiled and sing-songed, "And guess what surprise I've got for you?"

"Hopeful Query: More meatbags to blast?"

"Yep!"

HK-47 raised his metallic arms above his head and cheered, "Excited Interjection: YAYYYYYY!" He picked up the train of his dress in one hand, hefted his blaster in the other, and sprinted up the docking ramp. Xana followed suit, leaving Atton and Kreia behind.

Atton muttered, "Oh, great. _Two_ psychotically random assassins in the group – might as well turn ourselves in to the Sith right now."

Kreia stared at him for a moment, regarding him with those blank eyes of hers. She raised her plasma torch and shouted, "For the bacon!" before sprinting up the docking ramp as well.

Atton facepalmed and grumbled to himself, "I am _not_ following those loonies." Immediately, a contingent of Mark II mining droids emerged from the maintenance turbolift and locked onto Atton. He gulped and let out a soft 'meep'.

"_Don't leave meeeeee!"_ he bellowed, running onto the docking ramp.

* * *

The door whooshed open, revealing a carnage-strewn, unmanned bridge.

Kreia sniffed disdainfully, "Been there, done that."

HK-47 seemed somewhat disappointed, and Atton looked like he was about to be sick. Xana stepped into the room and drawled, _"_Whoa_...serious_ deja vu. Total rip off the Endar Spire, only it's better cause there's no Trask."

"Did someone say my name?" Trask's Force-ghost intoned gleefully, suddenly standing next to Xana.

Atton jumped back, screaming like a girl and feebly swatting at the apparition. Upon seeing that no one else was doing this, he immediately tried to turn it into a cough.

Xana glared at Trask's Force-ghost, "Will you _get out of here_?"

"Fine," the apparition said petulantly. "If you're going to be such a meanie-head, then maybe I'll just go and _not_ tell you about the cloaked Sith assassins on this ship." As he faded, he summoned a ghostly top-hat and fake mustache out of thin air and declared, "Good day to you all!"

Xana let out a prolonged sigh and Force-jumped over to the navicomputer. The floor had very few bare spots left and Xana didn't feel like playing a very morbid game of hopscotch at the moment.

"So...Sith assassins, huh?" she commented as she downloaded the information. "And here I thought this was going to be _easy_."

"Your overconfidence – and your lack of bacon – will be your downfall," Kreia crooned ominously.

"Sure it will," Xana replied sarcastically. She vaulted off the navicomputer, ran the length of the central console, then flipped back to her companions' side. "And sheer talent has _nothing_ to do with my fate, I presume?"

"Ooh, burn!" Atton taunted, pointing a finger at Kreia. Lightning sparked from the old woman's hands and Atton automatically ducked behind Xana.

Xana sighed and dragged Atton into the hall, motioning for HK and Kreia to follow. "Come on, we might as well find those Sith assassins and get it over with."

"Excellent," Kreia agreed smugly, "I shall begin my meat-shield duties immediately."

* * *

Xana crept down the stark white, eerily deserted hallway. Or at least, she crept as well as she could while vying with Atton for the penumbra of safety right behind Kreia.

"Hold on," Kreia held up a hand, stopping the three others outside a door. "I sense something."

"What?" Xana whispered.

"We...we..." Kreia muttered, glancing around as if sensing some unseen force. "We are in a hallway."

"That's it?" Xana deadpanned, glaring at the old woman.

"You did not let me finish. We are in a hallway...and I must pee."

Xana rolled her eyes and groaned, "Lucky for you, we stopped right outside a refresher. Try not to take too long, accidentally get flushed, lock yourself in the cabinet, trap yourself in a toilet-paper cocoon, or do something equally stupid, alright?"

Kreia narrowed her eyes but remained silent, swiftly entering the room. When she exited some time later, Xana did a double-take at her.

"Kreia...why are your teeth _blue_?"

"I merely found these delectable mints laying around in the refresher," Kreia explained, holding up a large blue tablet the size of her palm. "It's a wonder they haven't already been eaten by the crew."

"That's because they are auto-cleaning _refresher tablets,_" Xana ground out, facepalming. "You know, the kind you flush down the refresher to clean it and-" Xana stopped, realizing that Kreia's attention had already been stolen by a passing moth. She sighed, "Oh...whatever. Kreia, just take your 'mints' and let's go."

Xana led the way until they came to a two-way intersection in the hall. "This isn't good," she murmured, seeing the bodies on the floor. "We need to find a way out ASAP, but that'll also mean splitting up when there's assassins on the loose."

Kreia, who had been happily munching on refresher tablets at the back of the group, finally spoke up, "I sense something again." Seeing the disapproving glare on Xana's face, she added, "And no, it has nothing to do with refreshers. Quiet your voices, still your thoughts, so that I may sense these beings with more clarity."

Kreia turned her back to the group and tilted her face to the ceiling, apparently deep in concentration.

All fell silent for a moment...that is, until assassins materialized behind Xana and Atton. The nearest one grabbed Xana in a headlock, while his companion busied himself with twisting Atton's arm behind his back. HK-47 was happily blasting away at the other two, maniacal robotic laughter emanating from his vocabulator.

Xana couldn't help but stare in disbelief. There was something oddly disturbing about watching a rampaging homicidal droid in a pink dress. Even if it did make HK look kinda pretty.

Or were those the subconscious dolphins talking?

Her vision blackened at the edges, and she snapped back to reality. _Oh right, there's an assassin trying to kill me._

"Krei-" Xana choked out, struggling against the sudden pressure on her windpipe. "Kr-Kreia!"

"Quiet, sarcastic one," Kreia admonished, still breathing deeply and closing her eyes. "I have almost sensed the location of the threat."

_Aw, frag it, _Xana thought. _If you're gonna do something right, you gotta do it yourself. _

Just as the assassin was reaching for his dagger, Xana summoned up a purple ball of pent-up energy and let out a massive Force Repulse. The surprised assassin immediately lost his grip on Xana as he was catapaulted into the wall with a satisfying smack. Xana ran at the assassin gripping Atton, knocking him down with a jump-kick. Within seconds, she unsheathed both vibroblades and brought them down in an X-formation. The assassin barely managed to parry it, giving Atton the ideal opportunity to finish him off with blaster-fire.

"Sensing...sensing," Kreia crooned in the foreground, oblivious to the fight taking place behind her.

Xana sighed with relief as the last two assassins fell at HK's feet. She strode over to Kreia, about to give her a smack upside the head, when the older woman turned around with a triumphant grin.

"Aha! Be cautious, sarcastic one, for the threat lurks right...behind-" Kreia trailed off, surveying the assassins on the floor. "When did _those_ get there?" she exclaimed.

* * *

Xana looked around the hallways cautiously. They were nearing the maintenance shaft, but something just didn't feel right. Maybe it was the flickering lights, maybe it was the eerie silence, maybe it was the blue-toothed old woman creepily staring at the back of her head...

No, something was definitely amiss.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Xana and Atton said in unison.

"Shush," Kreia interjected, "I sense a presence...one that reminds me of bagpipes and exploding kittens." Her blank eyes widened. "_He_ is here."

"Who?" Xana asked cautiously.

Atton gulped and pointed a shaky finger behind them, "I think she means _him._"

Xana turned around, nearly crapping herself as she took in the creature before them. Her eyes went wide, following his every movement with morbid curiosity. The man walking towards her was the closest thing to a zombie she'd ever seen. It was like something out of a nightmare – which was saying something, considering she'd seen a _lot_ of scary things in the Unknown Regions. He strode in a straight line, emanating power and inducing fear by his very presence.

Modeling music began to thrum throughout the intercom, the beat of the obnoxious pop music seamlessly matching the monster's steps. He whirled around and bellowed at a lone assassin, "_Tom_! I said play the _ominous_ music for my entry – the _ominous_ music! Now my dramatic entrance has been sullied, you insufferable ninny!"

Xana fought to suppress a peal of laughter, all fear suddenly far from her mind. No Sith lord who posed an actual danger would dare use the word 'ninny'. As she recalled, Malak found this out the hard way that one time she'd tried to throw him a surprise party.

Xana was amusedly recalling a mental image of Malak with a lampshade over his head, when Kreia brought her out of her reverie.

"I'll hold him off!" declared Kreia. She drew a vibroblade hilt from within one of her braids and activated it.

"Where did you get that?" Xana exclaimed.

Kreia shrugged, "You'd be amazed at the things I lose back there and simply forget. Now, no more questions. Make your escape, sarcastic one!" Kreia charged at the man, vibroblade raised high.

The door slammed shut. At that moment, Xana chose to drawl unenthusiastically, "Kreia, nooooo….it's too dangerous and all that shizz. Oh well, too late now." She turned back to Atton and HK, "Hey, I wonder if there's an armory here. Preferably, an abandoned armory filled with epic weapons."

Atton looked back at the door and replied urgently, "I think what little time we do have left would be better spent, oh, I don't know, _running for our lives_!"

Xana mock-slapped Atton across the face and declared indignantly, "I am a smuggler, and a lady besides! There is _always_ time for looting if I say so!"

Atton recoiled and conceded, "Eh…I guess I could do with a pair of decent blasters. 'Sides, you scare me a lot worse than that zombie dude does."

"Awww, you flatter me."

* * *

Kreia and Sion circled each other with deadly intensity. The only sounds passing between them were the buzz of Kreia's vibroblade and the hum of Sion's crimson lightsaber.

"So, you have mastered the art of betrayal then?" Kreia sneered. "At least you have learned _one_ tenet of my teachings correctly."

"I need be held back by your teachings no longer," the other Sith snarled back. "I do not stand in your shadow, I have been empowered by my struggles."

"The struggle between light and dark, life and death, as you-" Kreia began ominously, but was cut off by Sion.

"_Emotional_ struggles, my former master," Sion replied, his voice cracking slightly. "But of course you cannot grasp that concept!"

"Oh, here we go again," Kreia muttered.

"I have triumphed over the traumatic memories of your cold treatment, lack of encouragement, questionable training methods, and the fact that you _CONSTANTLY CRITICIZED ME!_" Sion yelped, snatching a box of chocolates from behind a nearby plasteel container. He sat on the floor and began to eat the chocolates while slowly rocking back and forth. "All I wanted was a pony!" he sobbed.

"You are a miserable excuse for a Sith," Kreia muttered disapprovingly.

Xana called from the corridor, "Yeah, and coming from Kreia, that's really sayin' something!"

"Quiet, sarcastic one!" she screamed, before turning back to Sion, "And as for _you-_"

Sion's comlink beeped and he held up one finger to silence Kreia. "One moment, I have to take this," he said hurriedly. Speaking into the comlink, he replied, "I'm so glad you called, I really need to vent. Yes, she's with me right now. Yes…yes…I know. But it's so hard, especially when she never wants to just open up and _talk_!"

"Who _is_ that?" Kreia snapped.

"My therapist!"

Kreia facepalmed. "I do believe we are supposed to be in the middle of a _duel_!" she yelled exasperatedly. "Now is not the time for your effeminate 'issues'."

Sion held the comlink away from his ear, "My therapist says you need to stop, assess your words, and maybe look into a few anger management classes." He could have sworn he saw steam coming out of Kreia's ears.

Kreia stood there, eye twitching slightly, as she watched Sion 'vent' to his therapist. His whining reached a crescendo as he began to wave his still-activated lightsaber around frantically. He began to pace back and forth, and she realized with alarm that he was coming just a tad too close…

With a distinct sizzling noise, Sion's lightsaber arced through the air and made contact with Kreia's wrist. So engrossed was he in bawling into a tissue, that he didn't even notice until Kreia screamed out a string of words that definitely should _not_ be coming from a little old lady.

"Yep, you definitely should look into those anger management classes. Maybe a little yoga or a meditative retreat…"

"GIVE ME THAT, YOU IMBECILE!" Kreia bellowed, reaching for his comlink with her good hand.

"You see, this is exactly the type of negative communication that my therapist says is bad for your 'inner balance'."

Kreia snatched his comlink with the Force and, levitating it in front of her, sent a torrent of Force lightning sailing towards it. She heard a shriek and a satisfying thud on the other end.

"Now that I have been slain," Kreia panted, gesturing toward her arm, "Finish me off. Fulfill the role you were meant to serve as my Sith apprentice."

"Can't you see I'm having a moment here!" Sion bawled again. "And besides, at our last slumber party, Nihilus and I agreed that we wouldn't kill you no matter what!"

Kreia seethed, "Tell me, _why_ would my apprentices conspire to directly violate Sith doctrine?"

"Well, you see, we would have done it a long time ago, except we kinda like being known as the 'Sith Tirumvirate'. It has quite the nice ring to it; problem is, you need three people for a triumvirate. Otherwise – what would we be then? The Sith Duo? The Duet of Evilness? It simply wouldn't be the same for the citizens of the Republic to scream in fear, 'Look out, here approaches the Duet of Evilness!'"

"Get to the point, Sion," Kreia ground out.

"Originally, we were just going to find a really darksided gizka to replace you, as we both figured the creature would be infinitely more competent. But then we decided you made better brownies…and there was also the complication of his idiotic apprentice stepping on the gizka."

"So…you're just going to let me go then?"

"Pretty much."

Kreia and Sion looked around the room nervously, not knowing how to go about this whole 'letting your enemy escape on purpose' thing.

"This is awkward," Kreia muttered, still not moving.

"Shall I turn to the wall and begin counting, or something?" Sion suggested helpfully.

Kreia randomly confessed, "Remember when you were a child and I told you that your stuffed bantha ran away from home? I really threw it out the airlock."

"Mr. Fluffems!" Sion wailed, before getting into a fetal position and rocking back and forth on the floor.

Kreia quietly slipped away, at least feeling that the farce of a battle had yielded a small victory.

* * *

Meanwhile, Xana and Atton were just about to crawl into the Harbinger's fuel line. Suddenly, Xana collapsed on her side and clutched her hand, screaming, "Holy dancing pickles and frag grenades above!"

Atton rushed to her side and helped her sit up. "What's the matter?" he asked worriedly.

HK stepped forward as well, "Anxious Query: Master, are you all right? Would it make you feel better if I blasted the incompetent pilot meatbag?"

Xana contemplated it for a moment, but shook her head no. She muttered, "Augh…I feel…I feel like my hand's been dipped in molten carbonite. And, strangely, I also feel a raging irritation with Darth Sion's therapist."

Atton fixed her with his very best 'WTF' expression. Xana shrugged, "Yeah, I dunno."

He helped Xana to her feet and gestured toward the dark hatch. "All right, well, you look fine to me. Let's keep moving…um, are you sure this is the right one?"

Xana recovered and declared brightly, "Only one way to find out!" She promptly shoved Atton head-first into the fuel hatch.


	4. FLY LIKE THE WIND!

"Owwwww," Atton groaned, slowly rolling over to stare at the top of the fuel line. "Xana?"

Xana leapt into the fuel line then, executing a neat tumble-roll, cartwheel, and handstand. Several Sith assassins peeked into the entrance, holding up signs that had "10" written on them.

"Showoff," Atton muttered.

Xana righted herself and shrugged, looking around the fuel line curiously, "S'not my fault you can't stick a landing. Meanwhile, isn't it uncanny that these things are man-sized when they only need to transport liquid?"

"I know," Atton agreed, looking around suspiciously. "It's like someone somewhere is obviously trying to further some kind of plot. Or something."

"I like turtles," Xana declared randomly. "As irrelevant as that is, I do believe that…_holy shizz, it's T3!_" Xana kneeled down and swept the droid into a crushing hug, ignoring its' beeps of protest.

Atton took a cautionary step back, "This one's not homicidal too, is it?"

"Not really," Xana declared nonchalantly. She looked up at the entrance to the fuel hatch and bellowed, "HK! Get in here, we found T3!"

"Sarcastic Statement: Oh joy, just when I thought the day couldn't get any better!" The droid clambered down into the hatch, still holding the train of his dress, and tried to array himself into as threatening a pose as possible.

T3 burst out into a series of beeps that sounded like hysterical laughter. He rolled back and forth, until the force of his droid-laughs caused him to fall over on his side. Even then, T3's treads continued to function, rotating the droid in a circle while he pointed his mechanical arm at HK.

"Irritated Statement: May I _please_ blast the tin can? Master, I'm sure we would be much better off going back to the good old days, you know, before you bought this insolent piece of scrap metal."

Xana waved a finger at HK, "Now, now. You know I don't love T3 any less because he's adopted."

Atton facepalmed, "I should've just stayed up there with the assassins." He pointed at T3 accusingly, "And how do you even know that this is your droid? All those freakin' utility droids look the same!"

Xana looked at Atton blankly and palmed open the nearest door, revealing two mining droids. T3 let loose a blinding torrent of lightning from his shock arm, deactivating both the enemy droids. Warbling happily, he rolled into the next room and began to unleash wave after wave of lightning. A heavy metal song was playing from a speaker built into his chassis.

"Yep, that's definitely your droid," Atton muttered.

"Frenzied Request: Wait for me! I want to blast things too!" HK hefted his blaster and started to run after T3, unceremoniously tripping over his dress. He scrambled up a moment later, running as fast as his droid legs could go.

Atton and Xana strolled leisurely in the droids' wake, letting them take out the mining droids and disable mines to their heart's content. HK and T3, on the other hand, continued to bicker.

T3 beeped mischievously as he began to hack the control terminal. HK's photoreceptors flashed in annoyance.

"Defensive Statement: I need not offer an explanation as to why I am wearing a pink gown."

T3 beeped and warbled some more, ascending up the ramp with a robotic shrug.

"Impudent Rebuttal: If you _must_ know, I choose to wear it because it is very slimming. It is not as if I were knocked unconscious and woke up wearing it, with the extreme misfortune to be unable to destroy it. Heh, heh."

T3 turned around and beeped several times, bursting out into droid-laughter again.

"Angry Interjection: I was _not_ implying that I look fat!"

Xana bounded ahead of the two droids and rolled her eyes, "Alright, kiddies, no more bickering until the survival situation's over; thank you." She peered past the deactivated force field, checking for mining droids. What she found made her jaw drop.

"What the _frag_ happened here?" Xana screamed. The hallways of the fuel depot were littered with crushed lampshades and fruits of every possible kind; the great majority of which were pineapples. Especially unnerving was the fact that the walls and transparisteel panels appeared to have been drawn on with crayons.

Atton came up behind Xana and exclaimed, "Dang it! I missed the honorary Lampshade and Pineapple Appreciation Day party!"

"Wait, they have that?"

Atton looked sheepish for a moment, "Well…no. I sorta hacked into the manager's schedule and added it as a prank. But the manager wasn't exactly the brightest lightsaber in the bunch. He took it seriously and made attendance mandatory."

"Okay…that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. But what about the crayons?"

Atton shrugged, "You know how miners are with decorating."

* * *

"You do know there's a contingent of Sith soldiers in the docking bay, right?" Atton asked, looking through the transparisteel and pointing at the clearly-visible troops.

"We'll bungee jump off that bridge when we get there," Xana mumbled. She and T3 were fiddling with the docking bay's console, trying to slice into the main controls. He beeped rapidly, probably rattling off code possibilities to Xana.

"Oh, for the love of striped nachos!" Xana burst out randomly.

"What?"

"It won't accept the docking bay keycard that T3 conveniently had in his possession," Xana explained. "The only way it'll let us through is if you do the chicken dance."

Atton looked at her doubtfully. "Lemme see that," he ordered, moving past her to look at the screen.

[ERROR: TOO MANY FAILED ATTEMPTS AT ENTRY.]

[PROGRAM _lock_the_rampaging_droids_out_of_the_docking_bay_because_that_apparently_solves_everything _STILL IN EFFECT. PLEASE EXECUTE CHICKEN DANCE, IN ADEQUATE PROXIMITY TO MOTION SENSORS, TO AFFIRM ORGANIC STATUS.]

Xana crossed her arms and looked expectantly at Atton, with an "I told you so" smirk playing across her face.

"Oh, fine,"Atton grumbled. Xana fought to repress peals of laughter as T3 began to play polka music. Atton begrudgingly did the chicken dance, several times over, trying to remain optimistic the whole time. All in all, it wasn't _too_ bad. He was really starting to get into it when he realized…the docking bay doors were already open.

"Hey, what gives?" he asked angrily, pausing in the middle of a shimmy. "I thought that console was supposed to unlock the door!"

A mischievous grin broke out on Xana's face. "It's _been_ open this whole time…but HoloTube appreciates your contribution," she said, pulling a hidden holocamera from her sleeve. T3 rolled up behind her, extending his mechanical arm for a high five.

"Fragging droids," Atton muttered.

* * *

"Alright, now, let's go over the plan again!" the Sith Captain barked. "We'll get one pepperoni, one with mushrooms and olives, and one with pineapples, anchovies, and possum bits."

"Uh, sir?" one rather lanky and awkward private asked. "I think I see a man doing the chicken dance in the control center."

"Private Bucky! Have you been sniffing markers again?" the Captain roared.

"No…well, yes, but…oh look, he's running across the docking bay now, sir!" Private Bucky shouted, pointing behind the Captain. "There's also a woman, a droid in a pink dress, and another droid that's playing polka music!"

"For sith's sake, boy, your crazy is almost contagious! I can hear the polka music too!" The Captain whirled around to see Xana, Atton, HK, and T3 disappearing up the Ebon Hawk's ramp. Shortly after, the engines roared to life and began to warm up.

"Aw, look at that. They're getting away," the Captain drawled observantly. "Okay, time for Plan B. Private Bucky, run out in the clear path of their laser turrets and we'll see what happens."

Private Bucky, who had been looking down the barrel of his blaster rifle, immediately perked up. "Sir, yes sir!" he yelled enthusiastically. Throwing his hands into the air, he pranced out into the open. He didn't get three meters before he was downed by a turret blast.

"Well, we're screwed," the Captain declared. He turned to face the rest of his men. "Troops! It is time for one last, incredibly ill-planned charge! Form up into haphazard, tightly bunched, easy-to-shoot-at groups of five and run across the docking bay at will! If you are fast enough to make it past the turret fire - which, judging from the results of your last physical test, most of you aren't – take cover behind those plasteel containers marked 'Danger: Flammable'! Do I make myself clear?"

"Sir, yes sir!" the troops yelled.

"CHARGE!"

Meanwhile, in the Ebon Hawk's turret, Xana was staring out the viewport in confusion. She simply kept mashing down the 'fire' button, not even having to maneuver the turret. Soon enough, the entire contingent of troops had been obliterated.

"Wow…and I thought Malak's troops were incompetent," Xana muttered. "Almost makes me wish I was in charge again." She shrugged off the thought, suddenly remembering that they were supposed to be making a hasty escape.

Xana jumped out of the turret and ran into the cockpit, nearly bowling over Atton in the process. She screamed frantically, "They're all gone! Now get us out of here!"

"But Kreia is still in there!" he protested.

"I know!" Xana maniacally shook Atton by the shoulders. "NOW FLY, MAN, FLY! FLY LIKE THE WIND!"

Atton practically dove for the controls. He punched the throttle, struggling to turn the Hawk around in time.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the hangar bay, Steve the Trooper crawled out from a stack of plasteel containers.

He raised his arms in the air and shouted, "I'M ALIVE! YEAH! TAKE THAT, JEDI!" Steve the Trooper then proceeded to jump up on the nearest crate and dance the Macarena. As he danced, he gloated, "Uh huh. Uh huh, uh huh, take that! Take that! Uh huh, uh huh..."

He, shimmied, clapped, and turned around, only to see a starship careening toward him.

"OH SH-"

_BOOM._

The side of the Ebon Hawk barreled into the stack of containers, inexplicably causing an epic explosion just as the ship flew out of the hangar.

"Aw yeah, that's how we roll!" Xana shouted.

"Straight up," Atton turned around and bumped fists with Xana.

An asteroid, with a smiley face made of craters, drifted in front of the ship.

"Holy shizz!" Xana screamed. "Atton, look out!"

Atton grabbed the controls and sent them into a mad dive. He was able to brace himself against the dashboard, but Xana was not so lucky. She flew forward and made a full-body impact on the transparisteel, with an unnaturally loud _splat_. She opened her eyes and groaned. Her cheek was stuck to the transparisteel and her tongue was hanging out.

_If Atton ever brings this up again, so help me, I will..._

The Hawk leveled out, distracting Xana from her mental rage. Unfortunately, she found she was still stuck fast to the transparisteel. And, much to her horror, they were crossing the flight path of the _Harbinger_.

As they flew by, both cockpits got a mortifyingly up-close-and-personal view of each other. Xana could see the open-mouthed shock clearly written across Darth Sion's face.

As well as the holocamera he whipped out two seconds later.

Xana grimaced. _Fragging wonderful. The first impression I make on a Sith lord is of me, stuck to a transparisteel window and looking like an absolute tard. Or worse...Atton. _

She didn't have time to continue her thought pattern, though. In the next moment, Atton pulled the ship up and Xana found herself instantly peeling off the window.

She landed on the floor with an 'oomph', before sliding all the way across the cockpit and impacting a set of bowling pins. Xana sat up and spit a pin out of her mouth. "What the frag? Why are these even here? Nobody in this galaxy even _plays_ this game!"

"I dunno, sunshine. Pretty sure you just did. Although, lemme tell ya, it's a heck of a time to be playing games."

"Oh, shut up. At least I got a strike," Xana smacked Atton upside the head. "And can't you fly any better?"

"Hey, if I was flying any worse we'd be dead! The atmosphere around those asteroids is completely flammable. If we create friction by flying too near, let the exhaust touch it, heck, if we even light a match or move around too fast in here it'll completely torch Peragus!"

"Kinda makes me wonder if using lasers to mine there was a good idea," Xana pondered out loud.

"Miners aren't exactly famous for their intelligence, you know."

"Yes, and you are living testament of that," Xana patted Atton's head.

"Why, thank yo- HEY!"

"Oh, lighten up. Look, we've almost cleared the asteroid field so we can jump to hyperspace."

Suddenly, the _Harbinger_ popped up behind them and began randomly shooting at asteroids.

"Ugh, Sion. You are such a killjoy," Xana muttered.

"Well, what are we gonna do?" Atton asked frantically. "We've got a straight path out of these asteroids now, but if he hits one then they'll all explode!" He got up from his seat and began running around the room in a panic, flopping his arms around like a doll. "What do we do, what do we do, what do we DOOOO!" he screamed in a high-pitched voice.

"Atton, will you stop so I can think?" Xana screamed. Conveniently, in the next moment Atton stepped on a bowling pin and fell head-first into the nearest console. "That's better. Well, it looks like we'll be clear of the asteroid field in a few seconds, so I guess we don't need to worry about that-"

Xana was cut off by the sound of a loud fart ringing throughout the cabin.

Suddenly, all the combustible air around the ship heated up and the nearest asteroids burst into flames. Those, in turn, caused other asteroids to burst into flames. Soon enough, the whole field was exploding.

Xana dove for the hyperspace lever, pulling it just in time. They rode the shockwave of Peragus' destruction into hyperspace.

Xana slumped against the console in relief, before turning around and advancing on poor Atton. She smacked him upside the head with a rolled-up newspaper. "Atton! What the frag?"

Atton hauled himself up and glared at Xana. "What did I do?"

Xana smacked him upside the head with a bowling pin. "You just killed a whole planet – and Kreia – with your intestinal distress!" she shrieked. "Although...I kinda find the idea that Kreia died via farts rather funny."

"What are you talking about? That wasn't me!"

Xana smacked him upside the head with a datapad, "YOU LIE!"

"No, really!" Atton insisted, bringing up his arms to shield his head.

"Then who was it?"

Kreia suddenly dropped down from the ceiling, wearing a ninja outfit.

"It was I, you fools! It was I that destroyed Peragus with intestinal distress!" she cried gleefully.

"Told you so," Atton muttered.

Xana removed her shoe and smacked Atton upside the head with it. "How the heck did you even get on the ship?" she yelled at Kreia. "And where did your hand go?"

"I crawled through the sewage pipes, like a proper ninja," Kreia stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "And as for my hand, I do believe I misplaced it...somewhere..."

"How can you not remember where your own hand went?" Xana asked incredulously.

Kreia shrugged, "Senility."

"Okay, one last question. _WHY_ would you needlessly kill a planet with farts?"

"I thought it would be fun! And it was!" Kreia declared happily.

Xana's eye twitched.

"And guess what?" Kreia said excitedly, bouncing around the cockpit. "GUESSWHATGUESSWHATGUESSWHAT!"

"What?" groaned Xana.

"We have a Force Bond!" Kreia shouted giddily, throwing her arms in the air. "Just what I've always wanted!"

"Somebody space me now," Xana muttered.

"Oh, come now, sarcastic one! Surely a momentous event such as this calls for...the Force Bond Dance!" Kreia then proceeded to do a "raise the roof" motion and jump around the cockpit. "WOOP WOOP! Do the Force Bond dance! WOOP WOOP! Do the Force Bond Dance now!" she sang. Kreia riverdanced for a minute or two, and then finished up with a split.

"There is no way I am doing that," Xana snapped. She looked over at poor Atton, who had most likely been scarred for life. True enough, his eyes were as big as asteroids and his mouth was hanging open.

"Oh, fine then. You are almost as big a killjoy as Sion is," Kreia grumbled, getting up off the floor.

"And you're almost as crazy as Xana is!" Atton cut in.

Kreia narrowed her eyes at Atton and hissed. Atton backed away slowly, but hadn't gone two steps before he stepped on another bowling pin and crashed to the floor.

Kreia declared grandiosely, "I will retire to my quarters to practice my amazing Force Bond Dance in silence. And also because my ninja suit is riding up. There, hopefully I will be rid of the opinions of imbeciles and fools."

Atton muttered to Xana, "She says 'imbecile' wrong."

"I know, right?"

Kreia harrumphed, "You are just jealous of my mad dance skills, yo. Don't be hatin'." She then moonwalked out of the cockpit, occasionally stopping to adjust the hind end of her ninja suit.

Xana sighed. She didn't have the heart to tell the old woman that the 'hairbrush' was still lodged in one of her ponytails.

Xana leaned on the side of Atton's seat and declared, "Well, at least things can't get any weirder. I'm just glad it's finally over; I don't think my limited sanity could've taken even one more-"

Just then, a man with a 5 o' clock shadow and a fruit hat on his head stumbled into the cockpit. His bleary eyes darted around before focusing on Atton. The mystery man gave a wobbly smile.

"Atty! Hey, that was some Pineapple and Lampshade Appreciation Day party you threw! Too bad you missed out it; I've never been to one in the cargo hold of an abandoned ship before!"

Xana's eyes flew wide and her face contorted into the most severe glare the galaxy had ever seen. Slowly, she rotated to face Atton.

* * *

Dozens of parsecs away, Carth Onasi sighed and looked out the window of his office. As privileged as his spot on Citadel Station was, he yearned to be out in the galaxy, fighting by his old friend's side. In all honesty, Carth was getting restless. It had been nearly a decade since Xana had promised to return, and he hadn't seen nor heard any sign of her since then.

Briefly, he couldn't help but wonder if he'd been betrayed again.

Crossing over to his desk, he pulled out an impossibly thick and heavy binder. The poor piece of office equipment was worn and ragged from overuse, nearly bursting from the seams due to the sheer amount of papers it contained. On the cover was written, 'Carth's Paranoia List'.

Carth donned a pair of reading glasses and began ruffling through the papers, mumbling, "Hmm…root beer…penguins…imaginary diseases…the refresher fairy…aha, the Darth Revan section!" Locating a blank patch of paper, he scribbled down, 'Promised to return but never did, leaving me at a boring desk job where I merely function as an obscure plot device.'

Just then, a piercing shout rang through deep space and assaulted Carth's eardrums.

"_ATTON!"_

The shout was quickly followed by the telltale sound of Force lightning.

Carth sighed again and scribbled out his latest addendum.

"She's back."

* * *

**And that, my friends, is a wrap. Fear not, there's still an epilogue in the works, but this is the official end of the Oh Frag, Not Again! storyline. Thanks to writtenrhythm for beta reading this chapter!**


	5. Epilogue

Oh Frag, Not Again: Epilogue

* * *

Korriban was _the_ desolate world to top all desolate worlds. On its' barren plains, packs of tuk'ata endlessly roamed in search of their next meal. In the Valley of the Sith lords, only dust and bones marked the remnant of a once great empire. Within the long-abandoned confines of Dreshdae City, a lone birthday clown inexplicably danced the Electric Slide.

Suddenly, a faint stirring of wind broke the eerie silence. A ship descended, rather shakily, down into the Valley of the Sith lords, before doing several barrel rolls and spinning wildly from side-to-side. It promptly ricocheted off several tombs, took the head off an ancient statue, and turned an unfortunate Hssiss into roadkill, before plowing into the ground and finally coming to a stop.

All was silent again, for but a moment.

"Frag it, Atton! I told you not to let Visas drive!" Xana screamed, loud enough to cause several tuk'ata to run for the hills.

The loading ramp of the craft extended, and three cloaked figures dramatically swept out onto the dusty ground. The third one, however, managed to trip over the hem of his cloak and faceplant on a cloaked Hssiss.

"Atton!" Xana and Raye chorused exasperatedly, drawing their lightsabers. Atton activated his as well, spawning an eye-searing, bright orange blade that emanated rainbow sparkles.

Raye winced and turned to Xana, "You have to put up with this on a daily basis?"

Xana shook her head, "He's usually worse."

"Dang. I'm starting to think I was better off in exile."

* * *

Xana looked around the Academy, noting all the new passageways and doors. She sighed, "Yep, we are some kinda lost."

Raye examined the room as well, trying to come up with a plan. It wasn't easy with Atton standing right behind her, blatantly staring at the back of her head. She quickly moved to stand in front of Xana.

"Well, this sucks. I was hoping you'd know where to go, considering you founded this place and all."

Xana tapped her head, "Memory loss, hun. Not to be confused with senility, although I'm pretty sure I'm starting to catch that from Kreia." Her eyes suddenly glazed over and began to dart around. "Um…what are we doing here again?"

"Oh, forget it. What do you suggest we do?"

Xana shrugged, "I dunno, fan out and aimlessly wander around?"

"But there could be wild animals, traps, assassins-"

"Oh my," Xana deadpanned. "Look, if you're so nervous about it, you can take my apprentice with you," she offered, oblivious to the fact that Atton had now skulked over to the side and was staring unblinkingly at Raye's face.

"Yeah…no."

Xana shrugged, "Suit yourself. You go and check out the student quarters and archives, then. We'll proceed down this clearly trap-laden hallway and investigate the interrogation room."

Raye just gave a nervous chuckle and backed away slowly. Atton, despite standing only a few feet away from her, had now raised a pair of binoculars to his eyes. Xana snatched the binoculars and smacked him upside the head with them.

"Come _on_," she snapped, grabbing Atton by the collar and dragging him off in the opposite direction. Xana had forgotten the traps, however, and the two were instantly engulfed in a plume of lime-green smoke.

The wonderful scent of pickles and cat pee assaulted Xana's nose, and her eyes inevitably began to water. She stumbled and, letting go of her wayward apprentice, bumped into a conspicuous red button. For a moment, all was eerily silent.

Until pies began to rain forth from the ceiling.

Xana screamed, "Fragging lava cookies and robot dolphins below, they do _not_ pay me enough for this!" Already, she was ankle-deep in ten different fruit fillings. It was indeed a wonderland of sugar, with pies of every imaginable flavor falling down like raindrops.

Atton was staring twinkle-eyed at the scene, grinning like a madman. Xana glared daggers at him, feeling oddly satisfied when a pie of dubious brown color promptly impacted his face. "Please let that be chocolate," he muttered miserably.

Xana and Atton ran to the end of the hall, desperately trying to shield themselves from the barrage of pastries. Xana sliced the lock on the door in record time, allowing them to dodge into the interrogation room. Breathing heavily and wiping pie bits off of her face, she collapsed on the floor.

Her peace was shattered all too soon. "Uh…Xana?" Atton asked timidly.

"_What?_" Xana gritted out.

"Our hair-" he snickered, trying to bite back a full-out laugh.

Xana's eyes immediately shot open. Much to her panic, the first thing she registered was her very _green-haired_ apprentice. Hyperventilating, she picked up a lock of her own hair. It was lime-green; the very same shade as the poison gas. Her eye began to twitch.

"I need comfort food," Xana declared hastily. Crossing over to the table on the far end of the room, she rooted around in the cupboards underneath. Finally, she emerged with a cobweb-covered bag of cheese puffs. "Wow, I can't believe my secret stash is still here," she mumbled, grabbing a handful and stuffing them into her mouth.

Atton looked at her quizzically, "I thought you haven't been in Republic space for nearly a decade."

Xana licked cheese dust off her fingers and shrugged, "Your point?"

"Still, why in the interrogation room?" he asked, stomach turning.

"Cause nobody would think to look for cheese puffs in an interrogation room, duh," Xana replied, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She closed her eyes and savored the taste. Yep, Republic-brand cheese puffs were just like wine; they only got better with age.

"Xana!"

"_WHAT?_" she yelled, angry at having her reverie interrupted.

"I think we found that Jedi Master you've been looking for," Atton replied, standing in front of a prison cell.

Xana smiled and nodded, realization dawning in her eyes. "Oh, so _that's_ what we're here for. Well, what are you waiting for? Crack that cell open and we'll-" Xana stopped short as soon as she saw the inside of the holding cell.

"Oh, shizznit."

* * *

Several hours later, Raye had finally managed to hack into the Academy's archives. She accessed the databanks with breathless anticipation. Who knew what kind of information lay within; ancient Sith histories, battle plans, maps of the Unknown Regions?

{LOWER ECHELONS OF THE SITH HIERARCHY 101}

{Lesson 1 - "Would you like fries with that?"}

Raye facepalmed. "And this was the powerful, driving force that nearly conquered the galaxy," she muttered.

She was suddenly brought out of her muddled cloud of frustration. The interrupting factor was none other than a steaming plate of bacon _right in front of her face_. Raye looked up from the effervescent meat, somewhat startled when she saw that it was held by a red-coated man riding on a horse. On his shoulder, he bore a strange patch with a red leaf on it.

"Man, I am some kinda lost, eh?" the strange man asked in a lilting accent. "Say, ma'am, you wouldn't know the way outta here, would you?"

Raye stepped back distrustfully, "I'm just as lost as you are. Sorry, bub."

"Aw, well that's a crying shame," he replied. "Best 'a luck to ya, then. Free bacon?"

"No, I'm good."

"Alrighty then. I best be off." He rode into the distance, cheerfully plodding along.

Raye just stared down the hall in confusion, visibly perturbed. The console next to her started to emit a whirring noise, and she turned to read the screen.

{SITH PHILOSOPHY AND ETHICS 402}

{Lesson 5 – Force Lightning: To Zap or Not to Zap?}

Raye glared ahead blankly, before spinning on her heel and walking away.

* * *

Xana stomped back into the central room, lime-haired and covered in fruit goo. Atton followed behind her, balancing his lit lightsaber on his nose. Suddenly, something in the shadows began to move.

Xana smacked a hand against Atton's chest to bring him to a stop. His lightsaber promptly fell over onto his face. Miraculously, though, he remained unharmed save for a missing eyebrow.

"Now, aren't you glad that I installed that childproof lens emitter that permanently sets it to stun?" Xana asked.

"Yes…" Atton grumbled.

Darth Sion stepped forth from the shadows and cleared his throat loudly. "It is I, the harbinger of your demise. For far too long, I have been following your progress across the stars and tracking your every move. Now, we meet face to face. Tell me, are you surprised to see me again?"

Xana blinked. "No, not really. Hey, look, I know you're all for dramatic flair and that shizz, but I've had a really crappy day and I just want to go back to my ship and eat tacos. So, can you just tell me what you want?"

"Yeah…sure," Sion replied, suddenly nervous about something. "Um…you see, I sorta wanted to maybe ask a favor, seeing as how you and the Exile are pretty tight-"

"Just spit it out, Sion."

"Can you give me the Exile's number?"

"What. The. Frag," Xana deadpanned.

Sion hurried to explain, "Well, it's just that I wanted to get to know her, but couldn't think of any other way to introduce myself without it being awkward. Or without the Exile trying to kill me and all. So I've just settled for taking pictures from afar." He whipped out a pink digital camera. "Wanna see?"

"No."

"Too late!" Sion crowded in between Xana and Atton, and began to scroll through the pictures. "This one's from when I was stalking her on Dantooine, this one's from when I was stalking her on Dxun, this one's from when I was stalking her on Nar Shaddaa…ooh look, here's one where she's looking over her shoulder because she's getting a nagging feeling that someone is stalking her! Aww, isn't she cute?"

Xana cringed and Force-pushed Sion away, "_No_. Just…no."

Sion retreated back to the middle of the room. "So…can I have her number?"

Xana sighed, "Yes."

"Really?"

"No."

Raye chose that very moment to walk in. She looked confusedly from person to person, activating her viridian double-saber just in case. "Soooo," she drawled, "What's going on here?"

"I love you," Sion blurted out.

"What the frag?" Raye exclaimed. Sion brought a gray hand to his ear and mouthed the words 'call me'.

Raye slowly edged toward Xana, lightsaber still pointed toward Sion. "Please tell me we get to fight this one," she whispered, keeping a wary eye on the Sith in front of them.

"Sorry," Xana replied, "The 'Heroes-With-Dubious-Light-Side-Alignments Handbook' states that all darksiders must be given at least one chance at redemption."

Raye glared at Xana accusingly, "Where was _that_ when we were mindlessly razing through the True Sith Empire?"

"I lost it then, _okay_?" she whined, holding up the miniature-sized datapad. "Point is, it says right here that-"

Raye promptly impaled the Handbook with her lightsaber. She shot Xana a triumphant smirk.

Xana simply reached into her shoe and pulled out another one. "Ha, I got a spare," she gloated.

"Frag it! Okay, fine, but you have to talk to him!" Raye shoved Xana forward angrily.

Xana replaced her scowl with a painfully fake smile as she regarded the Sith lord. "Okay, Sion. It's kind of freaking obvious that Kreia's a Sith lord, who you are working with to totally annihilate the galaxy. Which is why I've got her locked up in a Force cage that I keep in my cargo hold. But still…why?"

Sion sighed and looked heavenward, as a beam of light dramatically shone down from the ceiling. "Brownies."

Xana nearly dropped her lightsaber. She hadn't been expecting _that_ one. "Are you serious? That is what your galactic domination plans are all about? _Brownies_?"

"Oh, yes," he replied brightly. "You see, the only reason Kreia was still allowed on the Sith Council was because she brought these absolutely _fabulous_ brownies to the board meetings! We just told her she was an excellent tactician because then she'd bring more. Other than that…she's kinda useless."

"No duh," Xana replied. "Seriously then, do you think we could work out a deal? I mean, if that's all it takes to-"

"Shhhhh!" Sion replied frantically, flapping his arms around. He added in a whisper, "There are people in my eyebrows."

"…_What_?" Xana asked incredulously.

"But you don't even _have_ eyebrows!" Raye cut in.

Sion pointed at the ceiling and implored, "Be silent! The horse overlords will hear you!"

Xana facepalmed and sighed, "Sion, did those brownies have spice in them?"

He completely ignored them. By now, he was waving his arms and shouting at the ceiling, "They mean you no harm! No, Buttermuffins, you must not zap them with your laser vision! Neigh neigh neigh, neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh! NEIGH, NEIGH NEIGH NEIGH NEIGH!"

"Yup," Xana drawled, making a popping noise on the 'p'.

Atton leaned over and whispered, "Can we get out of here now?"

"Gimme a second!" Xana yelled impatiently. She approached Sion cautiously and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Look, I'm just saying – the light side has so many more benefits. Like…not inadvertently turning into a zombie!" Xana declared brightly. She then began to muse, "But on the other hand…we have Vrook and Atris. I'd imagine that evens it out a bit, though we do have a much larger variety of lightsabers-" Xana's focus was promptly shattered when a grey chunk of…matter…came off in her hand.

Her eyes flew wide and she muttered, "Pogo-jumping fudgesicles, that is _nasty_."

Sion, apparently not fazed by her monologue, began to wave his lightsaber around haphazardly. "They have been angered!" he declared, voice tinged with panic. "Quickly, you must flee! FLEE, I TELL YOU!"

Raye shrugged, "Works for me." She wasted no time in bolting for the door.

"Yeah, me too," Xana acquiesced. She threw the gray chunk over her shoulder and dragged Atton out by the collar.

The three sprinted to the Ebon Hawk as fast as their feet could carry them. The moment they were all inside the boarding ramp, Xana hollered, "T3, get us out of here _now_!" A beep emanated from the cockpit, right before they were all thrown back from the force of the ship's acceleration.

"Did you really have to program that thing to pilot the same way you drive swoop bikes?" Raye snapped at Xana.

"Yup!" she answered cheerily. "Now c'mon, let's go and get that meeting with the Council over with."

"Yay," Raye deadpanned, getting off the floor and dusting her robes off. "More Vrook. Just what I've always wanted."

Atton waved a hand dismissively, "Pfft. Come on, what could _possibly_ go wrong?"

* * *

***sigh* And now we know why things went so horrendously on Dantooine. Atton jinxed them. Seriously, Atty, you had to get in one more fail before the fic ended, didn't ya? ;P**

**Yuh, it's over for real now. I feel strangely sad, yet accomplished at the same time.**

**So, now you have a little glimpse of what the sequel to Who I Am will be like. A little less comedy, but Xana will still be just a teensy bit nutters, Kreia will still be horribly inept, and the Exile will still be even more abrasive and sarcastic than Xana. (And surprisingly, the universe does not implode from it.) Ah, enough of the shameless fic endorsement...**

**Thanks to writtenrhythm for beta-ing the series! And thank you to all the readers who reviewed and faved! You guys rock even harder than Atton's glittery orange lightsaber. Or HK's explosiony entrance. Whichever you prefer.**


End file.
